On Helen's Secret Service

I am now working at the New Zealand High Commission for the Defence Advisor, regrettably I cannot say much more than that. My dilemma is I could tell you what I do but I would then of course have to shoot you all and as I am not yet licensed to kill, it could be messy.

So now we get to go to glamorous ambassadorial parties. We have been to one New Zealand reception and one for France. Without wanting to cause an international incident all I will say is that at one of the aforementioned embassies is one of the rudest people I have ever met. I must also disappointingly report that there was not a Ferrero Roche in sight, which is a complete swiz.

I am getting used to working in arctic air-conditioned conditions and have to take a collection of winter clothes to work with me, scarf, gloves, balaclava and socks.
OK I exaggerate slightly; so far it's just the scarf although I am considering socks.

I have a wonderful boss and some transportation problems yet compared to London Underground it seems hardly worth mentioning, nonetheless I will.
Albeit I now take a taxi to and from work, I did try the public transport option, and it was great, it was just a major hassle to get to, not that that put me off. I had happily travelled on it about 10 times before I realised the reason it is so fantastic is that it is the longest fully automated line in the world – no drivers. That would be why I could stand at the front of the train with a view unimpeded be a train driver then. Not that that put me off, indeed London Underground should try it.

What really got me was the fact that umbrellas don’t work when it rains. The roads turn into rivers, complete with floating branches from trees hit by rain (it's that hard), and cars turn into speedboats cutting a metre high wake through the river, I mean road. Which is all very well for wakeboarding but not if you are walking along side the road on one of the few footpaths (people aren’t encouraged to walk here). Under these circumstances, nearly every day as we approach the rainy season, your umbrella acts as a cunningly devised barrier to stop the water getting away and directing the water down, with the effect of being in an shower enclosure. Resulting in getting completely drenched from head to toe not, in fact to dissimilar to a shower.

Speaking of bad hair days, I had a very scary hair experience recently whilst having my monthly manicure/pedicure. I was happily sitting there being pampered reading Hello magazine (well what else are you going to read in a beauty salon), when I was asked if I would like to have my hair done. I had heard of this before and in the interests of research, I said yes. So the deal is this: you get a big squirty bottle of water (similar to a Fairy Liquid container) and a bottle of shampoo (also very similar to the aforementioned Fairy Liquid container). You stay where you are, that is, sitting in a chair having the manicure/ pedicure. The hairdresser squirts a little from each bottle, and proceeds to lather, yes, while you are sitting in the chair. The only time you move is to rinse (obviously it’s only a matter of time before they figure that one out), but to compensate for this your manicurist will continue to work on you whilst having your hair rinsed. I was then covered in Velcro rollers, well my hair was, and stuck under a dryer. This was the really scary bit, and I hope you appreciate this was purely for your entertainment that I did this. For those who don’t know, I like my hair very, very straight (preferably ironed). Unhappily I have no before/after pictures to show what happened when I came out from under the dryer, still I’m sure you can imagine, it was big, very big, Texas big, and very scary. Unfortunately, it was completely flat again by the time I got home – about 300 metres, that’s the hell of humidity (it’s not always a bad thing).

But I digress; I was speaking of transportation. The beauty of taxi drivers is that you get from door to door without getting your hair wet or flat (if you are a big hair person). I also feel I have my finger on the pulse of KL as taxi drivers seem to be remarkably well informed on matters of sport, religion, and the government. Additionally there is of course the sense of danger and excitement (that a thrill seeker such as I require at least 5 days a week) that comes with getting in a taxi being driven by a Malaysian on Malaysian roads full of cars being driven by other Malaysians. I have only been involved in one accident so far. The taxi driver decided that a car trying to cut him off need to be rammed into, so that’s what he did. He then continued on his way, stopped at the lights, hopped out to check the damage and got back in again, he never said I word as I sat stunned in the back of the cab.

The GM’s answer has been ‘if you can’t beat em join em’, and consequently drives like a Malaysian (there isn’t a road rule that can’t be broken).

I have only recently discovered another of the reasons for traffic jams in KL, and that is accidents on the motorways. I know this causes traffic jams all over the world, usually because cars in the opposite lanes will slow down in the hope of seeing horrific injuries. In KL they don’t just slow down, they actually stop cars in the middle of the motorway and run across 4 lanes of traffic to look at the accident on the other side.

Bribes & Battery Hens

I am now fully live and writing to you from the comfort of my own home. I was planning on writing this much sooner although clearly I am operating on Malaysian time now which is a much more ‘relaxed’ (just as long as you don’t want anything urgently) way to be.

In the end it took 6 men 2 months and 4 separate visits to get us connected with telephone and Internet.

Chinese New Year.
We were invited to Chinese New Year celebrations at a friend’s house (lost again), which was great fun except for my disappointment at the lack of fireworks (they are illegal here). One dish with jellyfish had to be tossed in the air with chops sticks as high as you could for good luck for the coming year. We were told that we are a good match (a Goat and a Boar) and given several ang pow packets (money) traditionally for children but because we aren’t married, we got them. Next year we have to give ang pow. We also tried the infamous Durian (for those intrepid travellers who may have tasted the fruit in Thailand apparently this is somewhat stronger than the Thai version of the fruit - I can’t comment at this stage). Anyway Durian is very popular in Malaysia and is notorious because of the smell – I say smell I mean stench. It is very overpowering and not the kind of smell that would make you curious about wanting to put the source of the smell in your mouth. It is graded here by numbers, the stronger the smell the more desirable the fruit, the higher the number. The version we tried was in the form of a cake – very misleading, it all looked cake-like; light and creamy and sweet. Once you have tasted it you wonder why you would think of flavouring a cake with something that smells rotten with a very strong garlicky oniony, very very bizarre. Unfortunately there are two seasons when the fruit is available and the next one doesn’t start until June so I’ll have to wait to try Durian a la naturalle.

Bribes.
Police and anyone in a uniform on a bike/scooter i.e. parking attendants like a little extra money for the holidays (Chinese New Year) so the moral of the story is drive exceedingly carefully around any holidays. First they will get out the ticket book and hover the pen in a threatening manner as though about to write something.
Man in uniform: ‘It will be $500 for insert traffic offence just committed’. Apparently the maximum fine for a traffic offence is $100 (200FRF)
GM: ‘How can you help me?’ (To be translated as ‘OK how much will it take for you to let me go?’).
Bargaining commences but basically what they want to know is: ‘How much do you have?’
So we paid out $50 the first time yet by the second time (feeling a lot more confident about the whole procedure) got away with $30, only to discover the guys whom we paid off probably can’t issue tickets anyway. A couple of days after this we were coming back from water-skiing with some friends and were in the emergency vehicle lane. The GM and I were both so nervous after the multiple bribe incidents that we kept checking in the rear view mirror and sure enough along came the police; luckily we had pulled over in time. S & M in the car ahead were the only ones who got pulled over and as we drove past the policeman had his pen poised to write the ticket. They caught up with us about 10 minutes later - no fine. M had showed the police his wallet; no money and S had got hers out as well to show it was empty. The policeman threw M’s driver’s license back in the car in disgust – no money, no ticket. S and M had been caught previously for some minor traffic misdemeanour and S had been so scared she got M to give what money he had in his wallet too. So I amend the moral of the story to: drive around with 2 wallets – the one you use and the one you show to the police.

Battery Hens.
When you buy eggs there is no such thing as organic free-range eggs here as the hens are so happy in little cages. They even have a photo on top of the egg cartons of happy (I’m not kidding, they are smiling hens) battery hens all lined up. We actually saw one of the egg farms and sure enough there they all were lined up in little cages, on top of a hill with a very nice view of the jungle and natural air- conditioning (being on top of the hill there was a nice breeze) so I have felt a lot happier since then. As soon as I have a scanner I will send the photo of the smiling hens.

Flora and Fauna.
I have recently started landscaping the terrace and so far have several orchids (including a vanilla scented one) and a Hibiscus. I was aiming for a white and green theme so I bought the hibiscus only after I had been assured it was a white one. Naturally it flowered a week later with red, and then a week after that with white so I think I’ll keep it. The plan is now to get lots of lush green jungle plants though it’s hard to stick to the green and white theme when you see some of the amazing plants and flowers, I have so far resisted a Bird of Paradise but I’m not sure for how much longer.

The only animals spotted are monkeys (at a friends house although I am sure there are monkeys here) and geckoes (little lizards). Despite numerous reported sightings I have yet to see a monitor lizard (one friend claims to have seen one swimming in the sea at Pangkor). The only thing I see around here a squirrels, more on them later and, a warning for visitors, rooster.
Birds spotted: amazing looking Hornbills and bats (not sure which category they come under but which I always mistake for birds). I have heard many very strange birdcalls and have not yet identified any of them. You may have heard how squirrels are just rats with good PR (the ones in Hyde Park are fairly cute), here they are without the good PR – these squirrels are definitely very close cousins of rats, the only distinguishing feature is a slightly busy tail. I thought they were rats until someone pointed out a squirrel to me when I thought I was looking at a rat. I was relieved however that the many little rat- like things I had been spotting have now been defined as squirrels.

Tour de Malasie (so far).
The roads are great once you get out of KL, you are right in the jungle, and it’s all very lush and green. A lot of time and effort goes in to the landscaping of motorways and they are all beautifully planted and well kept.
The concept of not stopping on motorways has not really taken off – there are too many stalls selling satays and sugar cane juice on the sides of the motorways, so cars tend to be stopped randomly to enjoy what the stalls have to offer.

Melaka.
I really liked Melaka, it had a charming atmosphere and it was nice to see some old buildings. The old Chinese houses are really beautiful. A lot of the old houses are now antique shops, although the ‘antiques’ are made recently and locally.

Pulau Pangkor (Island off the west coast).
Beautiful Island with golden sand beaches very laid back – we were there on a weekend during Chinese New Year (peak time) and it was amazingly deserted. We saw lots of Hornbill birds and I now know how Muslim women go swimming – fully clothed (including the veil). I also learnt what a bad idea bicycles are on a hilly island in the middle of the day.
Useful information for visitors: The arrow on ceiling in hotel rooms is not indicating where the fire exit it is which direction to face when praying (so obvious when you know).

Kuatan (on east coast).
Beautiful drive to get there through jungle (of course) and the sea was completely different to the west coast. Cool beach with big crashing waves and the temperature was almost chilly in the evening. Very disappointed not to see any monitor lizards swimming.

Another strange thing.
Manchester United is very big here – people were the shirts have the stickers on their cars and watch a lot of English Football; there is even a Manchester United merchandise store. They are also big fans of the All Blacks. At first I just thought there were a lot of New Zealanders here as there were so many cars with All Black stickers but have gradually come to realize it’s just like the Manchester United thing, though I haven’t yet seen an All Black merchandise store (there is a great business opportunity idea).

And finally.
I have just found out I am insured on the car, so officially I can drive here. I am currently still absorbing this wonderful information and will be venturing out soon – just as soon as I build up the necessary confidence and have fully charged my mobile (it could be some time).

P.S. We have had our first visitor.
And I am quoting directly from our Visitor Book:

I came (first)
I saw (a lot but not enough)
I fell in love (with Malaysia)
NB. Try the jellyfish at the Steamboat @ the Sunday night market. Mmm!

Paul tried everything (possible in 3 days) and I know he would have tried the Durian if it had been the season.